For a reason that I couldn't entirely fathom at first, I feel compelled to write about motherhood for Ratsalad Deluxe this month. I don't usually front my life as a mom beyond those who know me, so why do I want to write about it? Those of you who know me, however, are probably not surprised I am doing this, because the idea of mothering is so important to how I see the world.

Okay, how can I think mothering is so important when I don't have a mother? I don't even remember ever having felt like I had what people think of when they say they want their mom- although I have been mothered repeatedly. I remember caring for my mother more vividly than I remember her caring for me. I helped her to face her death when I was a child: chemotherapy, radiation, surgical bandages, and more. I was twelve when she died. I don't want to be defined by this but I cannot escape the past. She gave birth to me, but does that alone make anyone a primary mother? Yes and no.

We all have more than one person who has played that role: teachers, grandparents, lovers, friends. The list is long if you look at all moments of mothering, which is at the core of the human heart, the embodiment of selfless love. Men can do this too. Up front I guess I should say that I feel that both parents, or both genders, are engaged in both mothering and fathering.

Actually the most profoundly nurturing mothering I ever received was from a Tibetan monk. He never had sex let alone gave birth- yet he mothered me. He saved my life in more ways than I can tell you here, and no, I am not a born again Buddhist. (American Buddhism is a mess & though I practice, I would hardly recommend anyone joining up unless they felt so moved by it that they had no other choice, listen to the Dalai Lama - stay Catholic or Jewish or whatever- it is a lot easier.)

I see a lot of women I know wanting to get pregnant so they can mother. It disturbs me that so many women seem to think that mothering is only about whether or not you have birthed someone from your loins. I swear to you that it is not. Birthing made me more aware that I am an animal. But mothering, giving of myself to another so completely, is of the spirit. Okay, I take that partially back, all that we do is both, two truths at the same time. Making a baby is both animal and spiritual and so is raising it- animal, spiritual, practical, magic. Two truths inseparable as one taste, there goes that Buddhism again!

I think we all, male and female, have the potentials and gifts of both genders inside of us. Not in a literal sense of men could give birth or women could lift heavier weights if they only found the cock or the vagina inside. Nothing like that. But why is it that the best mothering I ever received was from a celibate man? (Who by the way is also dead now. I seem to have bad luck in keeping mothers of any sort around long, but death is life too.) The first thing he taught me- the day that I met him- was to love myself first, as part of having compassion for others. How he knew everything to say that day & how he knew that I would hear him is one of those wonderful mysteries.

Caring and compassion for yourself and then through that to others is the start of everything. It is definitely the key to mothering: I must take care of myself or I cannot do a good job being there for my kids. Simple, practical, spiritual, magic.

I think mothering is the key to creativity too, especially in any work which rests in the spontaneity of the moment, like performance. We must first be kind and clear with ourselves, our character, before we can truly engage the stage and the audience. Caring for oneself first as part of caring for a scene partner is the most effective way of supporting the work onstage in scripted or improvisational theater. I was reminded of onstage-mothering by my lovely new friends from Second City in Chicago, Mark Sutton and Joe Bill of Bassprov. Thanks guys for phrasing some of this so clearly for me this weekend. I open my heart to others to the best of my ability every day. I see others like Mark and Joe doing it too. When everyone is on that same page, creating really gets fun.

I give more to my children than I do to anyone else. Yet it is a goal for me to let myself love anyone else as much as I love them. Culturally, however, Mother's Day is ridiculous and venal, an effort to distract us from how truly important mothering (fathering) really is. Mother's Day tells us that any woman who birthed a baby is worthy of great love and thanks, even if she beats her kids and makes them feel bad about themselves. Flowers everywhere; people dressed up in ridiculously uncomfortable spring outfits go to brunch and wish mom a good day, whether she gives of herself or not.

I suppose this is valid on some level. I certainly am grateful to be here alive, but I don't want to be pampered because I gave birth, a biological event. I had sex, got big, birthed a baby, twice. Big deal. If mother's day celebrates the bigger picture, which I think culturally it does not - does that mean brunch???? What does spending brunch money have to do with loving someone fully? If you are supposed to repay the financial debt of what your parents invest in you by the time you are grown, that is a whole lot of breakfasts and cheesy gifts even for the worst parents!!

I would mother my children forever with no return on any front, but paradoxically it is the love that flows back to me which gets me through the hard stuff and willing to go on day after day. I want that love because it is sweeter than I can even say, and because being a good mom also involves being taken care of sometimes. On that score, maybe I don't hate Mother's Day all that much. The way my children celebrate Mother's Day with me means a great deal to me (thank you Walker and Zoe!) It means an even greater amount to me that they share their feelings with me more than once a year.

There is great altruism to being a mother, rewards of the heart, but there is also degradation and tedium. Our culture does not value women for doing mothering work, or men either for that matter. Mothers get paid less; we do not advance in our careers as quickly; and we get no respect from most people. I was a stay-at-home mother for five years, and have been a single mother out in the world for five years, so I know there is little societal support for caring for children in any arena.

We don't value compassion much as a society. Look at the news- the world is so off-kilter with torture and blind ambition, hating others over money, power, ECONOMICS. But we do not have to be limited by such limiting factors. This is all too important! We are here because of our mothers giving birth to us. Some of them did a bad job, and hurt their kids. But how much help and support was available to them? How much love and support do we as a culture offer to all children? Our society depends on the creation of functional, stable, intelligent human beings who will not destroy our planet. We must get out of cultural adolescence- rebelling against our mothers and fathers, our planet- and give the business of nurturing more of ourselves than platitudes and a nice plate of eggs benedict. (How fitting that a dish whose name rings of traitor would become so symbolic of an event designed to celebrate mothering. We give true selfless giving lipservice, yet we are traitors to ourselves, too often selfish or shortsighted even in giving ourselves love.)

We all need to be mothers to ourselves as adults. From this, the flow of love outward to the world as friends, lovers, children, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers is potentially enormous- giving stupendous, free flowing, hopefully at times ecstatic bliss. And yeah, we have to do it in the context of real problems, violence, economics, moral structures, and more. As I said last time in the Rat: DANCE! SING! THINK!! Whoever tries to love the world like a mother loves her child, without reason, gets disappointed and frustrated a lot, but finds joy too.

I know I sound at least a little bit like a world aid bullshit slogan. It is the specifics of action that matter, not the attempt to say something about what should be an action. It is the DOING that matters. When you think about things like the G8, or the November presidential elections, remember what nurtures all of us and what you know is true. Go beyond the words into your heart, where truth and love are found. Also remember that finding your heart must take place in a context including words, economics, practicalities. BE A MOM TO YOURSELF FOR THE WORLD. LEARN, LISTEN, DO SOMETHING!!! THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OTHERS, NOT JUST YOURSELF.

Economics may be boring, it may seem like others have all the power, but it is within the context of societal realities that change can happen in the world- bit by bit or in sweeping moves. Through compassionate action, we may all hopefully find some magic and love, at least within our own hearts. That is not small or meaningless, for it inevitably spills out to others in the primordial act we all strive to engage.

So go on, DO IT MOMMY STYLE!